


Heal Thyself

by Punk_Kenobi



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Battle death, Child Abandonment, Gen, Kidnapping, Mentions of Suicide, Non-graphic death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 06:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2641103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punk_Kenobi/pseuds/Punk_Kenobi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes those with the most baggage refuse to let it go until someone else helps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heal Thyself

**Author's Note:**

> So first off, this goes out to wombats-echo over on Tumblr, who likes providing me with sad things to write. Second, I've been trying to write a lot of things for the Hobbit/LOTR/Tolkien fandom but none of them have made the cut yet. I'm trying to work on them and get them on here. Third, Elrond is my fave and I can't help nor stop it. 
> 
> A good song to listen to for this(And one I listened to while writing this) is Myuuji's "Lost World." Some may recognize it from MCP's videos. It can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h4DYaTkUXw
> 
> Enjoy!

_"I'll be back soon, boys. Watch the horizon for me every evening, I'll be the first star of twilight."_

Elrond spent every waking evening sitting on a cliffside overlooking the Havens. It was his favorite place to relax and enjoy quiet solitude away from the rabble of the town. Though his brother never took their father's words too seriously, Elrond went there to watch for his father's return. He always wondered if his father would find the heavenly place he talked about in stories. He himself wasn't entirely convinced of Valinor's existence, it sounded too good to be true, but as a child everyone waved off his skepticism. He watched the waves roll into the harbor in quiet lulls, then panned his eyes up to the line where ocean met sky. There his gaze would linger for hours until dark, waiting to see the white ship Vingilótë come close.

That evening, however, his eyes weren't drawn to the sea as they normally were. Now they were watching as the people below were being slaughtered by elves on horseback. He wanted to run down and help but he felt frozen in place as he spotted a red-haired soldier try to enter their home. That was all the impetus he needed.

Running as fast as his young legs would take him, he ran down to the harbor, weaving his way through the throngs of panicked harbor dwellers. He wouldn't admit he too felt fear for these violent men as he watched people be stabbed, gutted, and decapitated all around him. Wide-eyed, Elrond sprinted for his home and the back door the red-haired man had no knowledge of, looking around for his mother and brother, panting and trying not to be sick from what he'd seen.

"Elros! Naneth! Where are you?!"

A hand tugged him away from where he was and before Elrond could pull the small knife he held in his pocket out, a hand clapped over his mouth.

"Shh, brother, you'll drag that man in here. Let's hide in that closet!" Elros pointed to twin doors and shoved his brother in the direction of them.

Once they were safely inside and hidden away behind clothes, Elrond whispered, "Naneth?"

"She said she had to go somewhere. I hope she gets back soon."

The two huddled close, waiting for what seemed like hours before the screams and shouting outside died down. They had sung to each other to keep from panic, though they both knew it was not far from them. Eventually Elros broke down into tears and Elrond just hugged him tightly, fighting back the wetness that he felt welling up in his own eyes. Neither dared to peek out as voices rose up from the silence.

"Find what we came for, brother."

"It could be anywhere! That woman probably stole away with it, she's not here!"

"We have to check."

Elrond listened as heavy footsteps wandered about their home, combined with the clatter of drawers being pulled out and dressers being forcefully emptied. Elros let out a small whine but Elrond clapped a hand over his mouth, holding his other hand up in a signal to be quiet. It wasn't enough, though, as footsteps approached and the doors were thrown open, the light hurting their red-rimmed eyes. Elrond drew his knife quicker than he'd ever done before, staring up at the intruders with fearful defiance.

"Get out of our house! Naneth would have you locked away for all of what you've done!"

Elrond watched as one of the men dropped his sword to the floor with a metallic clang, a look of utter remorse in his eyes. The red-haired man, who pointed his sword right at Elrond's chest, held no such look but one of disdain. "We can't do this, Maedhros. By the Valar, they're children!"

"They are the woman's children, they may very well be hiding what we are looking for." Maedhros replied cooly. "She could have given it to them before she cast herself away."

"Would you be so cruel as to harm children, my brother?! After all of this carnage?!" the dark-haired elf spun to look at Maedhros, who merely kept his sword pointed. "Would you do something so heinous?"

"Had you not your part in the slaying? Do not act as if you are exempt from the guilt!" Maedhros shouted. "We did what had to be done!"

Elrond had had enough of this bickering. Despite Elros' protestations, Elrond knocked the blade away from his torso and pointed his knife straight at the heart of Maedhros. For all of his twenty years, he could be surprisingly mature, and though his own blade barely reached the elf's stomach, that would do enough damage if necessary.

"I don't know what you want but we don't have it. We haven't seen Naneth for almost the entire day. I was in my favorite quiet spot before I returned here and Elros was studying. Naneth gave us nothing before she left, did she, Elros?"

Elros shook his head and curled his knees tighter to his chest. "N-No. Nothing."

Maedhros considered this, sheathing his sword, then grabbed Elrond by the collar of his tunic with his one bloodstained hand. Elrond dropped his knife as he yelped in surprise, staring into hardened eyes that seemed like they would hurt him more than any blade.

"You should not point a knife at a son of Fëanor, child. You are strong, someone to be feared in time."

With that, Elrond was tossed to the floor, feeling his head pound upon hitting the stone tile and hearing a soft cry from both his brother and the dark-haired elf. Elrond struggled to get to his hands and knees while Maedhros scowled at his brother.

"They are your responsibility, then, Maglor. Take them to the horses, we ride posthaste."

Elrond felt a slow trickle of something warm and wet down his face as he was picked up and carried next to his brother, soft words in his ears intended to be soothing but only sounded bitter and disgusting to him. He didn't want to leave, he didn't want to give up Naneth without seeing her again, he didn't want to lose his quiet spot on the cliff where he would wait for Ada to return. He didn't want to leave with these elves who killed everyone they knew but he didn't want to protest in fear of being hurt more. As he was put on a horse and held tight in Maglor's arms in an imitation of parental affection, Elrond felt his heart drop as they soon sped out of the bloody ruins of the Havens.

He would feel nothing for years to come.

\-----

"Brother, you can't!"

"We both were given the choice, Elrond. You have seen all that I have seen, I do not choose immortality for this world. I may yet be able to help the mortals as you continue to serve in Gil-Galad's army."

Elrond knew his brother had been increasingly more friendly with the Menfolk that he'd met and it shouldn't have come as a surprise that Elros was to revoke his immortality. He'd briefly considered the idea himself and refused a mortal life, but his brother had not chosen the same fate. Still, he was not willing to let him become this way without a fight. They were no longer children but Elrond still felt as petulant.

"You would outlive all those you care about. Do you wish to see your loved ones die?"

Elros scowled, unsure of why his brother was so stubborn against this. "It is my choice, no matter the pain. I will be fine."

Elrond kept his mouth shut, a permanent scowl etched in his facial features by now. Elros knew the signs of a worried Elrond, even if he wouldn't say it himself, giving him a reassuring hug. His brother could be so tight-lipped, it was amazing anyone ever knew anything about him at all. When he felt arms snake around to reciprocate the hug, reluctant and shy, he didn't say anything and just gave him the time he needed before Elrond had to leave. He was going to be stationed in Lindon to train under the High King, which meant they might not see each other ever again.

Centuries later, when Elros lay dying in a bed clad only in the finest of silks and pillows made soft with down, he realized he hadn't once seen his brother cry. Perhaps he was never meant to see it. He was only glad that Elrond wasn't there to see him perish, but he heard his brother's voice in his head, low and soft.

_Please don't leave, brother..._

Elros closed his eyes and sighed, a smile on his face. A reply flitted through his mind, and surely speaking to a voice in his head wouldn't be out of the ordinary for a dying man.

_I'm dying, Elrond, I can't stop it now. I never could once I made my choice. You know this._

He felt a sense of panic, but it wasn't his own. Odd.

_You can't leave! Not like Naneth and Ada! Please....you're my only family..._

Elros chuckled, weak and bitter. He's dying, he can't change that.

_I'm sorry, brother. Carry my memory with you, if you even hear this. By the Valar, I'm insane..._

Across the sea, in a land far from the island kingdom where his brother now lay on a bunk in training barracks, Elrond sighed in defeat. Elros didn't even believe it was him despite his work in the telepathic arts. There crossed a moment soon after where he felt a connection in his mind sever, as if cut loose to float away. He was gone, then.

It should have hurt more than it did, though. Elrond carried a headache for days but he had duties to attend to. It should have scared him just how easily he ignored the pain, going through combat drills and study without fault since Gil-Galad had taken interest in him. He realized the pain never left, not since his days in the havens. He'd become accustomed to it and this was just a spike.

He should have been crying, he realized, but the tears just wouldn't happen. Instead Elrond made his way to the training grounds to let out his frustrations elsewhere. If anyone noticed the formidable warrior's eyes watering over, no one said a thing.

\--------

Covered in sweat and grime, Elrond watched with an open mouth and wide eyes as his captain, his king, shuddered and writhed in the Dark Lord's hand. His closest friend he couldn't save, being forced to watch as Sauron threw the nearly lifeless body far into the distance with a laugh that chilled Elrond's blood. Suddenly he turned and took interest in the menfolk, slaughtering them without mercy, and Elrond took the chance to run as fast as he could and faster. Throwing his sword down he knelt beside the broken, shuddering body of Gil-Galad, taking stock of his injuries and using what magic he could to try and heal him.

A trickle of blood graced Gil-Galad's lips as he spoke.

"Don't, Elrond...you need your strength for others."

Elrond shook his head, this couldn't be happening again! Holding his king's face, Elrond ground his teeth and managed to keep his eyes dry.

"No, you will live, I can heal you! Don't do this..."

With that, he went back to his ministrations, despite Gil-Galad's protestations, frantic with unspoken panic. The loss of Eregion had hit Elrond hard, his herald going on to pour his heart and soul into creating the fortress of Imladris out of nothing to make up for his failure.

_"Elrond, you need rest."_

_Gil-Galad stood in the doorway of Elrond's new study, which was lined with bookshelves laden with tomes of science and literature. Among the still-disorganized rabble sat a desk with the man he'd come to see. The scratching of pen against parchment was the only sound in the room save for the fireplace crackling in the corner._

_"I need no such thing, I have work to be done."_

_"You have been awake for a week, Elrond. You're becoming short-tempered and foul to be around." Gil-Galad's voice, low and soothing, accompanied his hand as he laid it on his captain's shoulder._

_Elrond turned and scowled at him. He knew better than to try and talk back to his king, but that didn't stop him from giving him dirty looks. "I am in the middle of establishing trade routes so that this city may flourish. If you haven't noticed, it's rather difficult to obtain any supplies save for water and wood here."_

_The scratching of his pen continued. Gil-Galad hated to use his position of authority with a friend but he would work himself weary this way. Steadying Elrond's hand with his own, he spoke in the manner Elrond preferred to practice with. His herald's telepathic abilities were remarkable for someone who hadn't practiced for so long, but Elrond was a natural._

**_You will rest, Elrond. Do not make me have to give you an order. This city will still flourish whether you push yourself to your limits or not._ **

_Elrond let out a heavy sigh, setting his pen in its inkwell, holding his head. Gil-Galad knew that Elrond suffered from headaches at times, though why he never tried to heal his own pain was beyond him. It was never his place to ask._

_**Come, let us get some tea and we may chat a while. We can speak verbally if it helps you.**  
_

_"Yes, it does. My mind is not as accustomed to casual conversation as yours."  Elrond stood from where he sat, wavering just the slightest bit._

_Gil-Galad led Elrond out of the study, but not before snuffing the fireplace out as well as a stray piece of paper that had gotten too close to the flame. There could have easily been a fire in the study Elrond held in high importance._

_His captain really was in need of rest._

Of course Elrond would try not to lose more, having worked so hard. The king knew his herald well and laid a steady hand on his.

"I will not, Elrond. You need to leave me. You will take my place now and you will rule as well as I have done. I promise."

Elrond just stared into his king's face, finding nothing but sincere acceptance in his features. He could already feel the all too familiar feeling in his heart, though it felt more like an old wound asserting itself rather than anything fresh. Smoothing hair out of Gil-Galad's face, Elrond held back tears. When the light disappeared from his king's eyes, he let himself have a moment of pause before going back out into the fray with a berserker rage, fueled with grief and purpose.

He would not shed tears, he had more important things to do.

\-------

The ship sailed off into the starlit horizon, Elrond not taking his eyes off the sight the entire time. This felt so familiar, the stern of the white ship too alike to Vingilótë, yet he wasn't even fazed by it. Watching someone he loved slowly fade, watching her sail...that had been the painful part.

He knew this would happen, even when she had been returned to his arms broken and marred by their sons. He'd held her tightly every night as she cried, memories surfacing over and over. His own dreams were nothing positive but Celebrian's were downright terrifying, as he'd seen into her mind on occasion. There was little left of his wife after her capture, her hair not shining as radiant and her eyes dull, lifeless voids. She would circle around Imladris, day or night, singing quiet laments or just admiring the beauty of her home without really seeing any of it.

Elrond remembered the one evening when everything ended, clouds marring the stars above and interfering with his telescope, where he found her on one of the precipices that lined his city. Her feet had laid too close to the edge for his comfort.

_"Meleth-nin....please come away from there."_

_Celebrian only looked back at him with her sad eyes. A twisted, crooked smile flashed across her face, sending a shiver down Elrond's spine._

_"I have given you the time you sought, the time I was to take to think on my decision. I wish to sail, Elrond. There's nothing left for me here. Shall I sail or shall I die here in my home?"_

_She lifted one of her feet and dangled it over the edge, just seeing what it felt like. Elrond, on his part, quickly pulled her away and held her face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together. They had held this routine every night for too long but it never failed to instill fear in him, though Celebrian herself never seemed affected at all. Elrond supposed that was normal._

_"_ _Do not ask of me such questions, my one. You know I would give you everything, anything you desire."_

_Gentle, cold hands held his, Celebrian staring into his eyes like she were reading his very thoughts, her eyebrows furrowed. "Then why do you keep me here like a trapped animal, cursed to pace around its cage? Let me go, Elrond....I cannot take the pain anymore. I do not keep myself here, I trust you know this."_

_Elrond froze, realization falling over him like a cold rain. Had he truly been keeping her here against her will? She had never said so but then, should she have to? He took a moment to compose himself, then nodded, his voice tight and almost choked. "Then we will travel to the havens come morning. There should be a ship for you there."_

_The smile his wife gave him made Elrond's heart break into pieces._

Watching as the ship disappeared into the secret path, Elrond felt tears coming to his eyes but he held them back as he'd always done. Galadriel stood by him as well as Celeborn, fitting as it was for her parents to see her off. Celeborn quickly excused himself and Elrond felt the anguish in his mind, looking to his mother in law.

"She was so beautiful....the world must truly be in decline if she could be so marred."

Galadriel merely nodded then put a hand on his shoulder, leading him back to the temporary housing they held in the city, Cirdan being kind enough to give them the best lodgings on offer. She could feel the stress in his muscles through the robes he wore, and she knew he was trying so hard to keep himself together. They found their rooms, though Galadriel understood and with unspoken words, she let him stay in her room for a time. Elrond paused at the balcony, gazing at the harbor, an unusual emotion overlaid on his face, almost of hazy recollection.

"Will I ever see her again, Nane-"

Galadriel watched as Elrond froze in his spot. There had been no need for him to talk of his family, for she already knew. Elrond had lost many, all those who cared about him and those he had cared about. For someone immortal and therefore almost immune to death, he had learned early on that life is finite as well as those in it. She could feel his pain, the pain he carried through the ages.

After a moment, he shook his head and turned away from the harbor. "I apologize, Galadriel, I suppose I'm tired..."

"It's quite alright, we all are. Come here." Galadriel sat on the sofa that sat in the living room, patting the seat beside her. "You have been holding yourself together for too long."

"Nonsense." Elrond scoffed, keeping his gaze to the stone of the balcony, his hands wrapped around the railing tight enough to whiten his knuckles. "I have been doing what needed to be done."

"And you've done well. Sometimes we all need to let go, though, something you cannot do with ease. I can help you if you wish it." Galadriel soothed, standing and holding her hands out.

Hands rough with battle and hard work very reluctantly slipped into hers after a time and they sat, exchanging thoughts and emotions through their telepathic bond. Galadriel saw Elrond as her son, though he'd tried so hard not to associate her with anything maternal, and this was just another extension of that role. Pretty soon she held Elrond in her arms as he shook, silent and weeping. He was not one for theatrical sobs or loud wails of anguish, but then she never expected that of him. In fact, if it weren't for the wetness on the shoulder of her dress, she wouldn't have known he wept at all. Galadriel gently stroked his hair, letting him do as he needed for so long.

_Why does everyone leave? Everyone I love leaves me. I cannot do this again, I fear it will truly break me..._

Elrond's mental voice was quiet, far quieter than his physical one could or would ever be, and held the tone of something wounded, something hurt. Galadriel replied in kind, making sure to keep her own voice quiet.

_Everything that comes to pass is what the fates have ordained for us. Those we love who die, who fade and depart, that was their fate. Yours, however, is not set in stone. You hold all of those you love and have loved in your heart and in that way they still live. They may not be with you, but they are a part of you and always will be. Go forth and live your life knowing they are at peace and that you had the chance to know them. Your heart is wearied but do not carry the weight of the dead on your shoulders. Let them go, Elrond. It is alright._

Galadriel felt new wetness on her shoulder and sighed. Elrond's wounds would never heal completely and healing himself would take time. Still, this was his catharsis, and whatever it took, she would help him, the crescent moon halfway across the sky before Elrond sighed and lifted his head away from hiding. He only spoke in his mind, likely a way to avoid speaking in wavering tones.

_Do not say it, I look like a mess._

_You do and that's a normal thing for someone who has been distraught for so long._

_...may I stay here tonight?_

_Of course. You are always welcome in my home, wherever it may be._

He fell asleep on her sofa, curled ever so slightly at the knees. At times during the night Galadriel was woken to a voice emanating from the living room. There she would find Elrond as he tossed and turned with nightmares, but Galadriel pet his hair until his fits ceased. She did not sleep well that night between Elrond and her own husband's grief, though she felt loathe to anyhow.

Elrond had been in pain for so long, had pushed it away with other duties, he'd forgotten how to feel happiness. Now he was on the mend, and she would see to it that he had all the support he needed.

\------

When Arwen told him she held feelings for a mortal man, Elrond began to feel that pain again. He knew what his daughter would want even if he didn't want it himself, which meant he tried, naturally, to convince her otherwise. It had been hard, especially when there had been little hope for Aragorn and the Fellowship, and he'd lashed out more times than he'd care to admit. On the evening before his daughter's wedding, he carefully braided Arwen's hair to keep it from tangling during her sleep. It had been something he'd done on occasion for her, particularly once her mother had sailed, and this was a big occasion for it. He sang happy songs to Arwen, even if he felt the bitter tang of loss close at hand.

"Ada, I'm going to miss you."

Elrond's hands froze. He hadn't told her he, too, would sail, not yet and not before such an important and happy occasion. Continuing his work after a moment, he spoke with a carefully leveled voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Arwen."

She spun around and placed a hand on her father's cheek. "You cannot fool me, you wish to join Naneth now that the evils of the world are gone. You will have nothing left for you here when I am married tomorrow. In fact, I don't blame you, having been through so much....but without you, this family is breaking apart."

"Do not say that!" Elrond snapped, perhaps a bit too forcefully for his own daughter's ears, and cast his eyes to the floor. "I...no, this family is not breaking apart. We will always remember one another, Arwen, and that is all that matters. I will never stop loving either you or your brothers."

Arwen frowned. "But that's not enough...I will never see you again, Ada. I cannot now...I will miss you once you're gone."

Tears shone in her eyes and Elrond grasped her hands in his, newfound warmth of mortality in them. Elrond briefly thought how these hands would grow gnarled with age, and one day they would not exist at all. The thought didn't hurt him as much as it once would have in the past as he pressed his lips to Arwen's forehead sweetly, words from ages past coming to his mind for reassurance, ones that kept him sitting on a cliff edge every evening for years as a child, watching for a white ship in the distance until the stars shone brighter than the lights of the harbor of his home.

"Watch the horizon for me, Arwen. I'll be the first star of twilight. There you will always find me, for I will never forget you, I promise."


End file.
